?KarmaCalls!

Take cover, the cynic got out of the bag!

2009-09-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

I got 12 minutes.. 12 minutes to prepare this experience.
Lets see.. For starters we have something that ll keep your tongue and mind busy.
The light at the end of the tunnel? hmm..
Ha. Well i got news for you, that's the big white light teasing you, the divine light calling you to the unknown, when you're done stumbling your way through the dark and finally get derailed. That's right, its the light to a new life, when you're done living this one, entirely in the dark. The tunnel doesn't represent a dark phase of your life, the goddamn tunnel is your life!
What? appetite for life not yet satisfied? okay, make way for the grand main course.
I present to you my very own realization. That's right honey, you can stop waiting. This is a meal for one. You sure you can chew up loneliness, regret, heartache all by yourself? But that's not even the best part, you might wanna add that sauce, something i call humanity's au naturel selfishness.. Good stuff huh? Yeah, i know its quite a mouthful to swallow. Yepp the healing has to make its way all the way down, so you can finally stomach all that heavy stuff. Quit looking around, there's no one coming to help you finish up your meal, besides wheres the fun in that?!
But don't sweat, i promise you dessert will definitely be the cherry on top of your cake full of worries! Wow, that's a large bite outta life you took there! Only now I'm pretty sure you cant tell the sweet from the bitter memories.
Oh poor you, now the clothes that you wear, you know the fake smiles and false laughs, don't fit you anymore? Whats the matter? Scared that all the designer stitched superficiality labeled you as perfect, only to slowly expose your insides burning with the digestion of your not so perfect body anymore?
Now, now, don't you cry! Its ruining your makeup that has so conveniently covered up your sleep deprived eyes! Hush!, there's no need to fret. I assure you, these are just symptoms of growing up. A common gastric disorder, i assure you!
Its simple, as you grow older, the need to fulfill desires and your appetite for temptation multiplies. I suggest you be wary then and watch out for snares waiting to get hold of your naivety. If the craving continues, i recommend vommitting. That's right, skip the digestion and let it all out undigested and unsolved. Course there are side effects, such as dizziness from confusion and guilt. Also, i warn you of the smell of the memory, that is most likely to linger on.
Whoops! I hear the timer, looks like my 12 minutes are up. That's my cue to disappear back into the kitchen that is presently smoky with over cooked uncertainty!
Hope you've enjoyed your meal, its been a pleasure serving you!
Ahaa! Found the source of the smoke, its my brain and heart frying on the pan of life.
Bheja fry :D
Chow, duty calls!

P.S Im not going to apologize for my lack of finesse or style. You want heart to heart, well this is my heart speaking, torn out and served on a platter. It depends how you like your meat, rare, medium, well done, or in this case, raw! And im not going to apologize for my bitter cynical thoughts. Right now, that seems like the only way to go about moving on in this reality. So don't crush my spirit. So yeah suck on that you happy content whole peaceful person. I feel sorry for YOU!!

Song to listen to : Shes a genius by Jet.. killer!

If I could walk on water

2009-05-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

If I could walk on water, I would promise you everything.
If I could walk on water, I would never have to lie.
If I could walk on water, I would love you always and forever, conditionally.
If I could walk on water, I would never ever give up on life.
If I could walk on water, I would cross oceans to just to see your, everything.

If it were in our hands. To defy the laws of nature. What would the world become?
If I could touch the moon and reach the bottom of the ocean, and if every probability was a definite possibility, would miracles no more be regarded as something divine or special?
If the extraordinary was the order of the day, what would be our ordinary? If extravagence and perfection were used as a measure to live, where does simplicity find its place?
If all surfaces were as brittle as glass, breaking through isnt a struggle anymore.
If everything that were miles away were now within reach, if emotions were a consequence to something impersonal, if provocation and persuasion aroused from something shallow, how can we define depth?
Easy come, easy go. Effortless.

If life were perfect, would it finally be worth living?

If I could walk on water, I wouldnt be living, but dreaming..

Song to listen to : Storm by Lifehouse

In this perpetual high..

2008-10-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

When the mind is high beyond the above...when the body is light beyond feeling..when you look and you cannot see..when you touch and you cannot feel..when you open but do not recieve..when you cry but do not hurt..when you laugh but do not smile..when you talk but do no communicate..when you stretch out but do not reach..when you sleep but eyes still wide open..when gravity has given up..you soar..
A constant pull and push game..leaves you somewhere in the inbetween of nowhere..and then a shower of kisses that are meant to comfort..but wear out as the hands keep ticking away..
And you scratch and scratch at the door that wont open..and scream to a non existant soul who promised you assurance and protection..go on..tell me to keep the faith..but where is the strength to stay on and believe in a better tomorrow..how do i look forward to a tomorrow when time is nothing but a cruel reminder of my pathetic struggle..
My conscience has failed me..my senses have failed me..a blissful torment of the mind..of the body..i asked for reason..but you gave me confusion..i called for understanding..but you sent me violence..
Send me a release to world of black and white where colours will not blind and confuse me..a world where the beach waters will carry my tears and the grains of sand hold my feet which is losing ground and the air to flow into my conjusted lungs..a world where my divided mind and soul can survive peacfully as one and not fall victim to conflict..where i can survive as an escapee in a sea of escapees..
I want to be a genius.. and be able to calculate the ingredients that would make up a perfect world..an artist..and be able to create and mould elements that bind this world together..where i can find myself..where i can lose myself..hate freely and not be hated for it..
My present state of mind..in this perpetual high..will not confine to normality..i wish to be more than ordinary..i wish to be higher
Give me strength...

Songs to listen to : Lost by Coldplay, Hear me out by Frou Frou

A compilation of thoughts from among the silence

2008-10-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

Its the awkward silences that are sometimes loud enough to put you in a position to wander how when and why..
Its the secret glance falling across the skin of your face thats powerful enough to set the hair on your arms to stand..
Its the soft feeling of her shoulder against yours thats hard enough to let your ears pick up the sudden quick beating of your heart..
Its the cool breath near your neck thats deep enough to let you close your eyes and smile easy..
Its the special voice thats strong enough to shut off the unpleasant things that once enveloped you..
Its the simple smile on her face thats big enough to swell up your slowly shrinking heart..
Its her and all her..thats enough to complete you..
Dear Friend..
I love you and thank you..
:)
Song to listen to : Sleeping to dream by Jason Mraz (Acoustic live version)

P.S ..Thanks to all of you who make it so hard for me to forget you and move on..who still give me reasons to laugh and cry and remind me that life is good and yet still worth complaining about..and thankyou for reminding me that im not alone..

much love..

yours truly,

Resh <3

The sky is falling! but wait..im only 16..

2008-09-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Loving is a gift..
Its been almost exactly year since ive opened up..shame on me..yes im aware..but atleast i stayed true to the fact i am certainly one hell of a lazy person (!)..and now that im Miss sweet 16..i feel the need to break it out to the world that its infact a bittersweet 16, and honestly more bitter than sweet..
Now more than ever..i feel on the brink of cascading emotions..my period can hardly be an excuse for my extreme mood swings, lack of interest and tugging away at this constant facade of the depressed disillusioned careless teenager..
Hell yeah lifes a bitch..and between you and me..im tired..mentally and physically..what does it take to find that inner peace..which recently, conveniently seems to be outta reach..
Its painfully annoying to calm down, scolding yourself for being that typical complaining rebel of a teenager..lying to yourself that with time itll get better..okay so maybe it will..but hey the last time i checked..my clock is still ticking and if anything has changed its probably the length of my hair, my attitude which has gone to an all time low and the fact that im more self conscious than ever..
But Love will come and save us in our times of hardships..yes? Indeed of course loving is a gift..but what the hell is taking so long? now im just under the impression that Her superhero cape got caught in the middle of tantalizing demands of happily ever after endings requested by every second delusional person, on Her way to teenagedom.
Im all ready to love, and selfishly yes i want to be loved in return..is that too much to ask?
And whats funny is im not specifically talking about the oh so perfect image of stupid cupids pick of Mr.overrated.loverboy/girl. (but no doubt i do spend three-fourths of my time trying to figure out why i aint got nobodys hand to hold..!)
No..but i speak of everyone who once meant the world to you..still do of course..but somehow you seem to be slowly fading into invisibility and they look on..but do nothing..even of they wanted to..and then the cord snaps..
Those who filled the colours into your graying skies of wonder, confusion and loneliness..But gray is the new black, filtering your vision of what used to be good vibrant and complete..
And so here i sit and stare into a state of understanding..only there is nothing that needs much explaination..its simple..
With parting distances..time stretching..feelings losing their spark..mindsets changing..and so many other reasons that at this point seem insignificant..theres nothing as such to look forward to..
Theres only so much of a fighter left in you..and then you give up..you couldnt care less..whats probably left is a little hope..hope to win back the good times..the happy times..those times that lightened the load of your now heavy heart..which left the inner you feeling whole..or hope that if you cant relive the past (most likely..and besides its a waste of time)..something better and more meaningful will come your way in the future..
So we shall wait..and wait longer until that time comes when all is good and those you love, who might never be near you, but all the same will remember they have some extra loving to do..
Loving is a gift..
Life is a gift..
Im a gift..hell im the best thing thats ever happened to you..so you havent realized that yet..but you know what..ill wait..cause remember you mean the world to me..

P.S : This post obviously does not comply for all 16 yr olds..those of you who had a pretty..well 'happening sweet 16'..i guess all i can say is enjoy it while you can..

Song to listen to : Brighter than Sunshine by Aqualung

The Confessions of a Phsycotic

2007-09-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

Help me. Save me. Hold me.

Song to listen to : Right where you want me

...Yes, indeed the one by Jesse Mcartney...

*Oh*...stop judging me...

Forgive me...but this is the taste of the bitter words of my even more bitter thoughts...

Shaww...

Much love,
The Phsyced...

[ yes I do not know the spelling...can you blame me...]

Quote for the day : " The greatest thing to learn is to love, and be loved in return " [or something like that] ( call me if you seem to agree with this.. i mean.. CMON!! )

Anybody who figures where this is from, gets million bucks. Guaranteed. Sonia and Mathew dont count.

Oh if any of you are smart enough and know me well, you would realize I dont have a million bucks. So its your call. Well the truth is actually I do hve a million bucks but its been buried along with Charlie Chaplin. Hmm..Now why would i give that out..????????????????????????????????????

! 2nd song to listen to : Icky thump by the White Stripes...killer!!

And so.

2007-06-22T02:25:00.000-07:00

And so its been long. so very long indeed. how i miss doing this. how i miss it very much. how im no more 14. but 15. how i feel that some things make a lot more sense now. how people seem more different than they ever were. how i miss those who seemed more real to me than anything else. how i want life to be not joyous and successful and prosperous and safe. but comfortable. how want to live in my all-time-favourite songs. how i want to dance every night just to feel the warmth. how i want to.

In her world....

2007-04-16T06:49:00.000-07:00

That hair...those shoes...that accent...that look...and those nasty retainers (:P) that world she lived in...yes, her world...not the most perfect, not always the happiest, not the easiest to live in...but somehow I was safe there...
As she left, she took with her that crazzy world of hers...and she took a part of me too...and I think she deserves to keep it.... I miss her presence...the air that always surrounds her..her own distinct smell of sweet mixed designer perfumes...her constant buzzing here and there...she was just always there....to slap you, hit you, fill you in on her pervy jokes.....or just embaress you...or just pour water down your shirt, or insult you lovingly, or kiss you or hug you or just hurt you...
Though she wined...and fussed...and screamed...and ignored...and of course been a complete pain...shes just the most lovable thing on the planet...
That crazzy woman...who I just happen to marry online :SS...is one hell of a person...Im sure you dont need me to tell you that....

rtandon <3 polaha...

God bless her soul...

and God bless the rest of us to somehow get through this somewhat unbearable phase....

She is loved...very...very much....

And no Im not confessing my love for her (!)...
not that I dont love her(!!)....

aaiiiii....never mind....

IVYNESS....

2007-03-22T14:33:00.000-07:00

Passion

Drive

Talent

Faith

and a little bit of...

Despiration... : S

Ladies and gentlemen I give You The Isonephic Valentine....IVY !

What we are??...have a little faith and patience...

Let's just say we're still on the road to discovery...

We're not phonies (sp?)...nope...certainly not...

When you have a group of individuals, each of whose mind sets are so different to other...each of whose talents are exceptional in their own way...each of our own facts and beliefs...our own reasons for what we think is right...our reasons for why we are Radhika, Leona, Menaka, Sonia, Reshma...certainly cant let all of that go to waste, now can we?...I thought not...

But the bond and love and strength brings us together as one...IVY...our goal is to potray what we love doing best...to let the world know that we're not complete useless gits sitting around knitting wollen socks for our future grandchildren...

The world is too big a place...too much...too many...but everyone has their purpose...and so do we..and this is it...

So with your utmost faith in us and your kind tolerant patience...we will be something...what that would be?...tis not an issue to worry about...so dont (!)...just remember to keep us in your prayers...

The rest will fall into place as it should...

So what we are? A productive bunch of talented, hyped, enthusiatic, bright....yati yati yatii.... I could go on forever...but for your dear sake I'll shall stop...

So thats that...

And trust me when i say...

THAT WE WILL BE SOMETHING ! !

Cheers ! ! :D

I am...Numb

2007-03-05T02:32:00.000-08:00

The world has lost its ground...its stability...its sanity...its love...its peace
I want to help...
I want to feed every child that dies hungry...I want to love those who haven't been cared for...I want to cry for those who have lost their loved ones...I want to help the weak...I want to bring back the dead...I want to wish those who don't know and remind them of their birthday...
But...
I can't...
I want to help...but I can't...I am dissolving in the world's ruthless ways...I sit silently and watch and I am sad and hurt...
I want to hate those who kill but I want to encourage those who struggle to survive...I want my fellow beings to live in peace...
But I ask for too much...we are living in a tragic story and we are nearing the last chapter...God reads along, watching his creation crumble away into destruction...unhappy He is...
I want to be able to care...but I don't anymore...there are too many people dying...too many people suffering...to many people unhappy....
I want to feel for them....
But i am numb...

Ms Huggable :)

2007-02-11T02:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, that would no doubt be moi!!...well this a fun and cute post...n i must remind you that I did not write this!!....this was an adorable though slightly kiddy poem dedicated to me!!....simple but touching...read on and enjoy....

For Reshma

Reshma is short,
and plump,
and pretty.
But I wish she'd give up slimming

She says she can go on liquid diet (!),
and give up all her flesh.
But I say, "if you drink nothing but fluid...
I'll turn you into mesh. (!)

Shes said she wouldn't mind that,
cause at least she'll be as
thin as a lid
But then I said, "I DID" !! (??)

It's a little sad sitting around her to eat
one of our many high-calorie treats,
with her eyes brimming,
while we clear our spuds and trimmings,
But for her, she thinks her diet biscuit
is hard to beat (!)

Reshma is short,
and plump,
and pretty.
But i still wish she'd give up slimming.

(For selfish reasons I agree) (!)
But I phantom it hard to see,
cause Reshma says she looks like
someone sat on her,
But I say we like Reshma with
a little bit of FAT on her!! (!!!!)

The reason why i put this up, simply cause i think its the sweetest thing ever!!...My friend decided to stay anonymous (No shock there!!...sOOrryyy...jus kiddin :P)...well what can i say...THANK YOU YOU!! LOOVED IT..so what do u think??

Lets cross over to the world where the lush green grass grows...i hear they have chocolate chip cookies...

2007-02-04T05:01:00.000-08:00

Lets all burn our sadness for good..lets not drown along with the ashes, instead we shall watch them sail away into the vast endless bountiful ocean...lets all wear our pretty skirts and shiny red shoes and dance away to a song we love...that has no end...lets close our eyes and sing...can you hear it ringing in your ears..la la lalalala lalalala....we could take a road trip to nowhere...and ill be your map...
We shall go apple picking and then bake the best apple pies and we shall eat to our heart's content...let everyday be a lovely Saturday and lets play with our love like it were just a child's game...Shall we promise to be children forever and not let troubles reach us?...and then we will sleep and not let time wake us...sssshhhhhhh...sleep...dream...breath...forever...the stars will always shine for us...
Whoops! But look what has happened! Ive fallen and Im still falling...funny...Will you be there to catch me?...I'm waiting...still am...but you weren't there? where d'ya go?...no matter, i forgive you..but only because i love you too much...yes, i am hurt, but my pain has lost its voice, for i love you too much...
Family...Friend...Lover...I love you too much...so lets hold hands and cross over to the world where the lush green grass grows...lets chew on very crumb of that cookie and let it melt on our tongues till we cant taste ourselves anymore...somehow chocolate never tasted sweeter...
Life never seemed sweeter...

p.s: incase your still trying to figure the meaning of this post, its to let you know that sometimes its important to drift away to your own happy little world..sometimes we could do with change and take a short trip far away from reality...trust me it'll do you some good...

The Life of a Dead Man

2007-01-15T05:23:00.000-08:00

Tis a poem i wrote. not a happy one, slightly depressing and kind of clichéd, you know...the usual stuff. the misery of a man...shall not elaborate anymore..will leave you to judge it...and i dont have any issues with you being completely honest...so write what you must and comment with heart's content:

A Walk through Central Park

Walking through Central Park,
Something I rarely did.
I sucked in the nights cold air and it hit me hard in the chest,
I felt heavy and slowly I drifted away...

Time had not been good to me,
Days flew by, quicker than I could understand,
I cried in my sleep, my poor distressed self,
There was no one who would cry for me, but myself.

He took them away from me, both Wife and Child
And with them He took away such rich love...
I was now a man of stone, every tear I cried meant nothing to the world, and as i had feared, meant nothing to me anymore.

Life then had no meaning, I lived for the sake of living,
Wondering why He kept my heart still beating,
There was never a day I did not hate myself for being alive,
For why my eyes could still see and hands still feel...

But i had to accept, i was still a part of the breathing, the living,
I had to make sense of what was going around me,
I had to fall in place among the lovers and the hopeless, the content and the ignored,
I had to , for I am both blood and flesh...I am human

Soon, I knew He would take me too,
He would reunite me with my loved ones,
Till then i shall wait and still take my walks in Central Park,
Slowly waiting...breathing...hoping, Will that time ever come?

---------*--------*---------

Well...thats it...thnx to Sonia for all the minor changes :P and hopefully you'll come across my poem sometime later...now go on and comment away!!
(p.s ssry i took for ever to update my blog!! i warned you that i was lazy!!)

Ode to a Writer and his Tool of work...

2006-12-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

For me, what works best is inspiration...something or someone has to arouse the philosophical side of me and that passionate writer somewhere deep down there within moi...i hope people dont keep their disatnce after reading this statement...but, i still havent brushed my teeth!!...yes, its 10 in the morning, and im all weary eyed and stinky breathed!..dads left for work...and the first thing i do is turn on the radio and swicth on my lappie...God bless, for i think im slowly, secrectly getting addicted to this marvellous but yet evil piece of work..(im referring to the laptop)..i doubt ill be able to survive without it, though im reely trying my best, atleast i think i am(!)...but its like coffee for the workaholics and drugs for the depressed...i need it...right, now im worried!!! well...i guess its a temptation ill just have to learn how to resist...that is, once my folks are here and literally shove me off the chair, till then its all mine!! muhahah :P...
Song by James Morisson is playing right now on the radio, the pieces dont fit anymore or something like that...call me gay, but i like his songs...they seem real and he seems to be like those kind of artists who really know their music and doesnt make music for publicity and fame sake...unlike some very sad individuals who have now unecessary invaded the music industry..lets not name them, just for the sake of those who happen to be devout fans of them....alright moving on, actually i dont know where to....i havent even given a title to this post...i dont know what to write on...i was just struck on the head by an invisible arrow sent flying across from the writer's cupid, no, not the cupid who works for the love between two beings but the cupid who belives in the love between a writer and his tool, which right now, is the keyboard :P....yes, and where came along this sudden inspiration...well, this morning i was introduced to a blog recommended by a friend and was i spellbound or what!! absolute brilliance, open sarcasm, talent and nothing but the truth, the blog itself had so much character...so i guess thats wat got me started...
I reely appreciate people or rather kids like us who write with so much enthusiasm and feeling...to be able to put your emotions into words for all to read and acknowledge, almost like a song, its a brave thing...ive been through a lot these few months, not the very best of times...im sure most of you could hint that out from my previous posts....but at last i felt good...ive let it all out for the whole world to know....its a relief and that is the beauty of writing...no matter what language or script...its the written form of yourself...each part of you put down in words...and so i think more of us should be encouraged to start to writing, whether by blogging or just writing essays and compositions in class or diary entries....i think ive found a title for my post..i shall stop here, hoping like how i got inspired, some of you are too..chow then...i think its time for nice hot glass of milk...

I wish...

2006-12-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

i wish i did well this term.

i wish my family was together.

i wish my parents didnt always care about marks.

i wish i wasnt soo poddggy.

i wish love came easily.

i wish i didnt keep moving from place to place.

i wish loved ones didnt leave us and go.

i wish i could make it to hollywood.

i wish i could meet the cast of harry potter.

i wish i was back with my two best buddies.

i wish i didnt have to go through painful times.

i wish i didnt take out my anger and pain by hurting myself.

i wish i were stronger when it comes to handling difficult matters.

i wish people would forget their differences and be nice to everyone.

i wish violence was never option.

i wish life was a comedy.

i wish people didnt have to suffer to much.

i wish...

i wish for more....

love, happiness, health, wealth...

and more....

Cryer cryer...

2006-12-03T05:54:00.000-08:00

I meant to write this post ages ago, but due to numerable frustrating reasons i wasnt able to, so as a result, i must take you back to the end of our exams, that is the 29th of november. it was the day just after the much exhuasting and stressful exams, but it wasnt as though all our worries had come to an end, there is always one last thing we all had to face and that were the results. and it had to be to my very luck that on that day were getting our maths marks....
Unfortunately i wasnt born with 'mathematical gene' in my blood as that of both my sister and brother, my parents often say its miracle that ive managed to learn how to add or subtract (which by the way i still make silly mistakes in!!, im sure now you all have an idea as to how pathetic i am in math!!). as far as i can remember i was always considered a complete dodo in math and so my family never expected too much from me after a math exam, but this time, to my horror, i did worse than ever, i managed to get absolutley disgraceful marks, almost embarrassing....
Dissapointed, no wait, very very dissapointed, i locked myself in the girls bathroom and bawled as though the world was going to come to end... well i just didnt expect it to be that bad...i guess i cried out of shock of whether ill manage to get the marks i wanted or rather needed...
Turned out that the door to my toilet had no lock, (boys, dont be too shocked, its true, half the doors of our bathroom dont have locks. so much for privacy!) and so, my dear friends managed to squeese in and console my poor distressed self, something i didnt like, id rather be just left alone and work it out by myself instead of ten girls telling me that it was fine and everything was going to be alright, and i knew for a fact that everything wasnt going to be alright. but being the best of freinds that they were, they refused to listen to me and somehow talked me out of my brief misery. feeling very stupid to be seen crying out like a mad cow infront of all them, i tried to dry off my reddish leaky nosed watery face(!) and smiled and said that id be alright, although deep down, i still wanted to kick the lid off the toilet seat for the disgusting marks i got...
And so we all marched out of the bathroom, greeted by other girls who were running in to dry their tears for, im sure, the same bloody reason: bad marks, and their friends tagging along to console them...at that point, i felt a bit better, looks like i wasnt the only one who did badly...we came out to find that the rest of the girls of our class were on the way to the special needs school, we ran for it and made it just in time to catch up with rest of the class...and yet i found another reason for myself to cry...
As we walked into the school, i was almost in a state of a breakdown, trying to suppress my soft cries and coughs and my hands constantly moving across my face like the wipers of a car, trying to dry off my tears, i looked like a red tomato who had just been squeesed. it was the most overwhelming feeling ever, im not sure thats even the right word to decribe what i was going through, i think my hormones had just kicked in, bringing me to a state of an emotional breakdown. but you must know that i wasnt crying for my math marks anymore...the fact of just seeing those kids being pushed in a wheelchair laughing and greeting the people who came in, made me feel so stupid at that moment...i was crying because i did badly in my 9th grade math exam when they...they couldnt do simple things we could...but yet inspite of their incapabilities, they always seemed so happy, so peaceful, so in their own little content world with no worries, no problems, no nothing...and to see their eagerness to learn new things and communicate with others made me feel so low at that point...due to a deep personal reason, something concerning my family, it hurt me even more. how many times did my poor mother tell me that when i am blessed with good health and the ability to learn and how ive always taken it for granted...it broke her heart to see that when i was so blessed unlike him, i still never did my best and never bothered to work hard, well thats what mum says, but i shant lie, i do tend to get lazy at times and well, as much as i hate to admit it, if i worked a wee bit harder i think i would have done a lot better...a sad fact i had to acknowledge...
i was stilll tearing a little, my freinds by my side thought i was over doing it, except for special someone(:p)..but little did the rest know how much it affected me...
Later we sat and spoke to two girls, Samada and Thara, another humbling experience...they held our hands and spoke to us with so much enthusiasim and so much love, it was then i thought of every time i hurt someone by saying something rude and when i looked back at it, i found it so unecessary....if we have to learn something then it should be from these children...however cliched this sounds, but with every thing we take for granted we should stop and think...and every time we cry for something, we should stop and think....think that there are those out there who arent as privileged as us....its like they say: be happy with what ya got!! so when i came back that day i was at peace, my marks didnt bother me and i wasnt worried how i was going to tell my parents, maybe i wasnt going to tell them, ill survive...i just listened to my mp3 and slept away listening to coldplay, dreaming of numbers and plus and minus signs chasing me through a dark tunnel...hope i make it through the other side, i hope i make through my next exam, hope i make through the night....
Hope i still stay blessed with good health and a loving family and caring friends and a good home and good food for many years to come....

(p.s very sorry for the long break i took, as i mentioned before, there were reasons as to why i couldnt publish this post earlier, my greatest apologies...)

In this freakishly kewl world of mine....

2006-11-17T00:42:00.000-08:00

Warning: this post may contain disturbing ideas. the writer at that moment was high on stress and had gone slightly mental. the sensitive and easily offended are requested not to read any further for their own safety.
Read at your own risk...
Soooo..... you think you're brave enough to read on, well then i must say, brace yourself, cause you're in for a hell of a ride....
Allright, now im startin to exaggerate just a little...im just messing with your heads.
Paranoia has seemed to creep into my half empty or wait..half full...(??)brain of mine...somebody save me!!!
And if u were ever curious to know what the effects are of listening to the Black Parade non stop, well this it...absoluuuutteee confusion, madness and love and hatred and the desire to rip someones hair of their skull and kiss someone so hard that you'd leave a permanent forever wet impression that would taint his soul for good....oh, let the Good Lord help me at this time of of...i have no words to decribe it.
Wats gotten into me, that i dont know...i dont know who to blame here...but i love it, i love this feeling, when things necessarily dont have to make sense, when you just want to scream out for the whole world to hear, when people stare at you and it doesnt bother you, infact you enjoy the attention. its when u ''unleash the monster within"!!. try it, put on your favourite song and rock it out, swear if u want to, scream if you have to, do what you must to feel good.
I would dye my hair purple, get a tattoo(s), peirce my eyebrow, work part time at the petrol station ...i would want to do anything as long as it makes me feel good...as long as i go to bed every night feeling satisfyed ...time as we know, does not wait for anyone. so ladies go peirce your bellies and dear gentlemen, well honestly to me, i would consider a man a real man if he has the nerve to peirce his nipples(!!!) yes, take while to digest that line...dont think of me with disgust, had i not warned you earlier...i speak nothing but the truth, i speak exactly whats going through this muddled up head of mine...
Well if you have a problem with that, then thats fine, i can live with it... u see, life isnt worth it if u arnt ready to let yourself go, if you arent ready to challenge yourself...i choose to wear torn stockings and black nailpolish, i choose to stand at the tip of the road and feel the air blow through my hair when a car rushes past...
Take risks...make mistakes...break the rules..for it is then that you become complete, it is then that you are called human....
As for me, is my life complete?..no, i still have a long way to go. i cant do much now, except for pray for a tomorow and when it comes i shall do what i feel is best...i will live my life my way and you shall live yours your way....
As ive said before, be good to life...Dont punish it, dont punish yourself for not living it the way you want to...take every breath as if it were the last and make evry use of it...
So whats the agenda planned for myself, hmmmm...i was thinking skydiving, sounds interesting eh, but first i think ill just try coloring my hair purple (check).. i think i can wait before i throw my life away (literally) from a plane praying my parachute doesnt bail on me ....
suicidal death wish some might call it..but fer me? its just a lil bit of some hardcore fun & living..

Dear Brothers & Sisters...

2006-11-10T04:38:00.000-08:00

Tired...hungry...sleepy...i shoved my house key into the keyhole with the little strength i still had left...i opened the door to an empty living room...not very welcoming...but wait...there she comes, my little darling, she rubbed her head against my calf, im forced to smile. i drop my bags to the floor as though they were heavy weights. i scrunched my back, making sure i still had a backbone after carrying those Godforsaken school bags...i swore under my breath...
She meaowed softly and licked my sweaty hands, it caused the hair on my neck to stand. i looked into her sea-green eyes, so much innocence...i suddenly felt at ease. i carried her in my arms as if she was a little infant, i plopped down on the sofa and stroked her head...my lil fluff ball i called her, she was the only living breathing thing that existed in my lonely home apart from dad ofcourse...but he always showed up late from work...the poor man...for the rest of my darling family, mom with brother in bangalore and sister dearest in bombay...not the best arrangement for either of us, but sacrifices have to be made...how i miss all of them...im fed up with the food, with the dead furniture i see everyday, the overwhelming silence that fills my house except for her occassional mews...i hate it, i hate all...
My social life has come to complete halt with the dreaded exams on its way...my friends are to busy studing than worrying about me, boyfriend, ha, why bother (!) i have no one to talk to, talk to my dad..i dont think so, mom.. nope, brother..never, sister... well maybe, but the distance just keeps us farther apart.
How i miss b'lore, its amazing weather and my beautiful house there, how i miss home..it may seem unfair to dubai, being born here and living here for the past 10 years of my life, but those four years bangalore were great...a totally different experience...life in dubai during my first few years was perfect, the hole family was here, good marks in school, everyone was happy, absolutely no worries...then flew to b'lore...and my life changed, might have been for the good or the bad. poor dad was stranded in dubai, it was just mom, sis, bro and moi...it took a while for us to get used to the junk on the road and the heavy pollution and lets not forget the cows and the stray dogs, b'lore isnt anything without them, they ruled the roads and streets!!...i grew in b'lore...had my first actual crush, had amazing set of friends, got on the back of bikes, learnt how to drive one, got into trouble inumerable times, failed in tests, it was in b'lore that i learnt the importance of breaking rules, of getting hurt, of losing things and finding new ones, i spent my first few starting years as a teenager in b'lore and its taught me so much, for that im so thankful...
but now im back in my hometown, the fast moving dubai, the 1st class cars, the hep women in their boots, its then i miss the women of india in their old fashioned saris and chapals(!) now... my family is 100o miles apart from each other and it all comes down to me, in this lonely house in this somewhat sad place...
So the question is dear brothers and sisters, can a 14 year old survive with her music, her cat, the tv, her favourite books, decent food and phone calls everyday from her worrying mom, in her boring household...
hmmm...well i seem to be doin fine...so i gess one can survive...may not the be the best, but its like i said, sacrifices have to be made...but things will get better, it always does...moms coming in three days...that means no more food from outside and some serious TLC!!! now all i have to worry about are gettin through these examas with some satisfying marks after which ill be flying to b'lore leaving this place for a whole 2 good weeks...
so i gess life isnt all that bad as it seems...this post goes out to all those fed up kids who come home everyday to an empty house with no family and no life...just remember if you're good to life then life will certainly be good to you...
Till next time folks, keep breathing and pray for a tomorrow. God bless you...
Adios Amigos...

So much..yet so little...

2006-11-04T04:07:00.000-08:00

most of you might be familiar with the title of my blog...life or sumthin like it?? yea..its the title of a movie with angelina jolie acting in it, its quite an interesting movie and not to mention, jolie decides to go blonde in it, for the second time, not a smart move, i thought the she looked far better in gone in 60 seconds...anyway, i apologize for my casual style of writing, as you can see i didnt bother using caps...after reading a couple of blogs, i feel as though mine is of no comparison to the rest...but never the less, i intend on sharing something with those of you who have generously decided to read my blog...
The reason why i chose this title for my blog is because i happened to be absolutely fascinated with its meaning...its ironic though, as till date i cant really tell what it actually means. life or something like it...you can ponder on for hours as to what it might mean...life... *sigh* theres so much to it...so much..yet so little...there are those who who suffer and those who havnt yet experienced true sufferage...the rich and the poor...the good and the evil and its never ending battle...i could go on the philosophies of life and bore you out of your minds...but i shant take much of your good time...but i just feel that i should say that after reading this, take a while and try and figure out or just think about life, about how it works, the people involved or even those who arent...itll leave you amazed...confused...worried....
Its a weird world we live in and theres so much we dont know and its that fact that keeps us living, the fact that there will always be so much more than we know....
so i guess thats it, hope you all find this remotely interesting...well, till next time, which hopefully wont to be too long from now, being the lazy person i am, i cant really say...
till then, chow...